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Don 't let 140 characters ruin your relationship - Follow Grace Dent' s Advice

In a gentle, pre-Twitter days jealous lovers on "three people in this marriage" would do. Today it is his 's rather 300th Or even 300,000. "Ah, Pinot Noir, truffle gnocchi and my beautiful wife!" A friend recently tweeted on one evening a bunch of "trailer". "I love our date nights!" A Twitpic of antipasti and map coordinates were made available to the bistro. More clicks told us that "Date Night" tweet it also under-the-table discussion on the arsenal of the guests, plus demonstration of reduction of 30% included it \ s owner earlier that day "d with the Bistro bartered "Twitter.

This is love in the social media age. Candlelight dinner, wine, wine tasting, a lover 's face twisted on a mobile screen live-tweet brainfart about the relationship largely uninterested skim-reader. We love our partners, we really do, but we also love the Sugar Rush Cyber-constant stimulation, and what it is to behave very badly indeed. I watch people flirt on Twitter, turns fawning and head through the nameless avatars. I see people broadcasting the murky depths of their marriages, I see precious anniversary and birthday gifts from Twitter "Committee" selected. I have friends who 've synchronize their laptops and phones to simultaneously upgrade, and now arrives at noon Kart packs to electrical appliances, such is their terror of a partner under certain circumstances a direct message that they shouldn \ read' t.

I know a man that live-tweeted \ his girlfriend's growing cold toward him, then blogged 1000 Leonard Cohen-like words in their statement. "It feels inevitable," he boohooed. Of course it was inevitable - he used to tweet at least six times per hour, endless say-what-you-see drivel.

I know people who 'legacy strategy "wipe have in place for all their social networking sites within two hours after the accidental death, in order to avoid a fight at the funeral. Obviously grin I watched unfold this chaos, high moral of my review as a woman waiting Twitter dozens of times a day, a woman, often alongside their husbands at meals, consisting of refrigerator remains, as I 'm concerned about over fannying the Internet to shop or cook. Perhaps each of us and loved to stay in love, we need to accept some uncomfortable truths about relationships and social networks. Things like:

Accept the fact that Twitter love better than true love (sometimes)

Be honest, can be true love with the actual people is a difficult task. It 'sa few months of dizziness and dilated pupils, followed by a 20 - to 50-year-old section of the orbit of a lounge sigh, "So the council tax is the wrong sort code pays" and "But where are the ants from "or" no \, you're not wearing that bloody T-shirt to parents 'evening -?. You look like you are working on a Wild Bean Cafe'

Twitter and the warm "love" by a thousand nameless avatars often feels much more rewarding. Twitter your friends expect nothing from you except the odd grunt of the Olympic ticketing process or the occasional youtube link of a Russian cat tries to get into a little box. Twitter would never happen to a phone and you make an in-law to hear talk about their gall bladder. Twitter, you would never ask to spend Saturday wiping a child 's butt, then queuing for the municipal tip.

If you do ask Twitter what this Saturday, the electronic Hivemind would indicate a pop-up restaurant in a park with a DJ set by Jamie xx and a five-day recovery period. Twitter has never been to a Harvester. Twitter doesn 't know you can' t fit into skinny jeans. In the battle of love versus social media, Twitter will win very often. Real-life love needs to improve in the game.

Get involved

One of you 'doesn' t do Twitter ", the other loves it. Luddite Larry / Louise and you have to do with you now. It takes 20 minutes to open a twitter account, add your partner, some friends and start some cyber-territorial pissing to your partner 's timeline. It is in your interest to do so. (Example: purchasing this beautiful coffee table our house today. Look at our lovely Children. )

It might seem noble and even bo-ho refuse to claim Social Media and "people speak in real life", "fresh air" and all that nonsense is more rewarding (snore), but now your loved ones on Most probably trailer accumulation of 3000, has begun to see much in the way the leader of a remote hill tribe yet powerful and requires some monitoring. Did they talk of "their followers" for breakfast? Do they feel anxious when going under the Wi-Fi, and they can 't bark from another letter to her clan? You 're the queen or the king of this tribe. Stake your claim now.

Choose your Cyber-battles

They can 't Quit looking at the partner on the website, it makes you like a weirdo. Access to the Internet to most people feels like a basic human right. Deny your partner a Facebook or Twitter account if you want, but don 't snivel when people twirl their fingers to their ears talking to one of your names. Demand for a complete amnesty password to make himself lifted off the hinges, too. But you can Rules specify where your merge real life and cyber lives.

You can refuse tweeted about your personal life. You can bitched about being on the pedal. You are entitled to set a limit on the time postcoitally that, if phones are packed and Twitter will be reviewed. It is not acceptable to tweet from your mother-in-law 's funeral. If you don 't want your 12-week scan results, your sperm count statistics and details of your vasectomy tweeted, then say so. You are completely in your rights to your other half is made of object signals that it 're not really in a relationship. ("What do you think you 're a widower?"), You do get ultimate veto Twitpics from you. This is usually Katy Perry might want to set up before Russell Brand tweeted a picture of her sans make-up look like someone who 'd just done eight hour shift at a gas station on the fryer KFC. A sack-able offense have as a husband, in my opinion. Set your rules and enforce them.

They realize nothing is hidden

One of the most charming things about social media, especially Twitter is nothing stays private for long. Ergo, if your partner flirts with someone else in the public timeline, it should be only two or three tweets before a stranger named @ toxictina47 Missouri wades into roaring, \ accept " You guys should be a room! "Twitter is full of unpaid cyber cockblock obsessed with anyone fun. It 's mind to also worth noting that the majority of Twitter goosebumps will always be a form of discussion" meta-Twitter' to direct message and Skype, iChat , Facebook chat.

Meta-Twitter feels much like Dangerous Liaisons (many, "Well, it 's not very respectful to her husband, not that I' judge m one, but I 've seen her Facebook pictures and he never looks happy from ... ") mixed with teen film Mean Girls (\" I can 't stand @ spiritpixie anyway. never liked. Just look at the Twitpic. Her curtains could do with a hot wash. Perhaps they do that and not try to pull bigshlong46 @ ").

The useful thing about Twitter 's fire is the meanness, if you tweeted, "In my tragic death, which would be at my house within three hours with a sympathy card?" Twitter could offer the exact user name.

Your love rival is a loser, too

Before you start getting too fizzy-headed about @saucysusan37 or @manlymike flirting with your partner, keep in mind they're largely imaginary.

The most qualified Flirter on Twitter are masters of the 140-character brag. They ensnare lovers bored through a network of communicating signifiers, such as only the hottest bands and the coolest TV shows love, that is, if they \ re not 'Browse Proust, run around to updating its influential pop-culture blog, or a park to do in the twilight a British Military Fitness class tone their butt. Your love rival 's avatar is looking for them Saucer-eyed and thin, limbs and face perfectly positioned to prevent spam-arm or turkey wattle neck. You buy clothes from net-a-porter, not George at Asda.

It is perfectly normal, this port will Twunt complacent about the head with a hot MacBook Air dough. Better yet, befriend them on Facebook, then sit back and enjoy it as a photo-double-chinned search tags and school photographs that show they held a collection of paperweights or pomanders. Enjoy understand the following timeline messages from their mothers who don 't how to private message, saying things like: "Honey, how is the bum crack I spoke with Aunt Harriet, and she says plenty of fiber . "

No one is who they appear on the Internet. You can have a lot of fun with it. Alternatively, take bold and orchestrate a "tweet-up" your love rival, then you laugh your sleeves while she awkwardly tried to look new as their cyber-behavior "IRL" (in real life ). Every time your partner 's eyes silently scream, " Holy hell, save me "Do across the room, as if checking Twitter.

Accept this is just the beginning

If you 're a social media addict, you need to know that Twitter and Facebook are already pass? and where they go next is probably more frightening. For example, we now have to interact on social media platforms that are hundreds and thousands of friends and supporters to promote. Size is king. But what happens when we take our profiles and switch to smaller, cliquier, private groups? Those who can not see many. If your lover + Google connects with its smaller, more selective "friend circle" They may require access to the inner echelons of that? Also you do if your husband is turntable.fm DJing in a cyber-night club, you must follow suit, and by the imaginary DJ booth, so that your avatar scowl at other avatars assessment of its track and explain "fans"?

If we all understand, finally, the concept of video calling - the technology is already easily available on iPads and laptops, everything from becoming what we now our restraint - as you really want to stop an errant partner masturbate in a locked room in the house? And finally, if the smoothness grindr.com begins with people of all sexual orientations, then how can survive fidelity as a moral standard anyway?

When we finally subdue and transfer all of our personal information, documents and online links to an overhead "cloud" this is turnoffable never, ever, we can shout our love, " It 's me or the damn computer "With a sentence again?

I need a heart to heart with my partner about all these ideas. His iChat status says that he 's available. If I 've finished posting this important 140-character chunterings about the new X Factor judges line-up to my Twitter followers, I could write it and give it a go.

• Grace Dent hosts speak Twitter Hoxton Hall, London, on 12 July - guardianbookshop.co.uk for further details.

T-shirts in photograph made by Liz Putland